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Entered By: Paula
Entry Date: 2014-02-22 15:33:44
Subject: Life

 Sometimes I get so backed up in writing about what is going on that I just stop writing, thinking that I could never put it all in words.  So with what I have missed sharing, I am sorry.  Just come and stay a while and you will get the gist of it.    Sometimes I stop writing when there have been things happen that I don't want to share, that I don't want to live, that I don't want to be.  

I did that a little less than a year ago, when one of our older boys shared the new news that he had a child and was going to leave us, again.   And then workers stole a lot of stuff and once again it seemed we had made a horrible choice on who to hire and who to help (sometimes I wonder if we will ever learn with this particular family - but dangit).  And then we learned that a long time worker was trying to do very wrong things at our home.   And again we questioned our purpose, our call, our discernment, our lives.  And when that happens I stop writing, I stop sharing.  It is not that I don't want you to know we are not perfect.  I know you get that already.  I just struggle with the whole processing the stuff and knowing what of the story gets to be shared and what is someone elses to share.  I read so many things where too much has been said, where in asking someone to pray too much is blurted.  I don't want to blurt.    

Some things have taken me months to process........the boy leaving, another boy leaving, feelings of failure at every front, the said boy having another precious child, a boy telling me that I am his biggest problem, my son going to a semester of dual credit college in the US, being scammed like crazy by someone in the US and losing in that, watching a destitute young girl choose to have another child, our home church that sent us out changing and no longer being exactly what it was.  

Some things are taking even a few years...........Gerardo's death - but the really questioning God on if He knows our days or if something else is in nurses going on strike or poverty, my oldest baby going to university in the US and continuing to talk about living her days in China, blurting untruths being said about me (wow, I have so many yucky things that could be said, choose one of those!), wondering why some heaings of the heart don't happen right away when given love, struggling with identity as my little chicks grow up,  and more.  

I am laughing right much life is lived, everyday.  I am thankful.  Some ask why I don't write more.  I love the answer a friend gave for me, "when crossing the Jordan you don't have time to stop and write about it."  I love that.  It does seem that there is some water that needs crossing daily.

Today I choose to cross over the water again, to wade out, not knowing exactly where the deep is.  

Today I celebrate the life lived of one who waded into the way way deep, daily, Carlos Urquia.  He lived so well, and seemed to always press into life, to people, to Christ.


Read Recent Journals

Other messages by Paula
Advent, Part 1  by Paula on Monday December 03, 2018
Tuesday September 04, 2018  by Paula on Tuesday September 04, 2018
Wednesday February 21, 2018  by Paula on Wednesday February 21, 2018
Monday February 19, 2018  by Paula on Monday February 19, 2018
Sunday February 18, 2018/Confession  by Paula on Sunday February 18, 2018
Thursday January 25, 2018  by Paula on Thursday January 25, 2018
Lenten season  by Paula on Saturday March 04, 2017
re: Justice  by Paula on Saturday March 04, 2017
A smidge of realization  by Paula on Saturday January 21, 2017
re: Tuesday January 17, 2017  by Paula on Thursday January 19, 2017

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