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Entered By: Paula
Entry Date: 2015-06-24 15:41:13
Subject: Man that was hard

 I wasn't ready for the emotional blah today.  I mean;I was ready for the day, prayed up, confessed up, walked up, all I knew to be up anyway.  It was to be a pretty normal morning, Bible time with the kiddos, reading time, get to our chores, get the baked goods ready to go, clean up a room for a guest, cut some flowers, check out the mess factor on the farm, etc.  

I took a short walk after getting most things done to see about the mess on the back porch of the little casita; the house David and Alicia have lived in.  Right, you didn't know "lived" in.  We don't really know the story either, but we knew that while Mark and I were gone for our anniversary they had left.  On separate days.  Trust me, I have done the 1,001 ways that it could have played out, why it went the way it did, and the 1,000,000 ways that we could have done better.  And really, it has gotten me no where.  I still know nothing about the truth of the mess, nothing.

But moving on, the porch needs to be tidied up and I thought I would just sweep out the empty house too.  Oh boy.  The tears.  The hopes cratered.  The mess.  The things that told a story of two precious unhappy people, a precious, precious little boy, and a precious one on the way.   I cried and wondered how I didn't reflect my God well.  How I didn't give the Full Gospel.  I cried and swept and wondered why I seem to not see the fruit I pray to see.  I cried and hurt for 4 people that I love, and wondered why that love didn't get the job done.  

I know.  Only God transforms hearts.  Only God can heal, restore, renew, give life, and breathe Spirit into our bones.   My love is broken at best, but I do love Him and want to see His Life bring healing, renewal, restoration, dreams, love, forgiveness, and reconciliation.    

So again, I sweep out the stuff and pray for the next one that will come.  It took a bit.  My first prayers were for Him to never send another.  It hurts too much.  I see my failure too much.  But He is love.  I trust Him.  


Replies to this message
re: Man that was hard  by Betty on Monday July 20, 2015
     re: Man that was hard  by Paula on Monday July 20, 2015

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