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Entered By: Paula
Entry Date: 2008-03-24 00:33:56
Subject: A bit personal

It seems that daily I degrade myself for my lack of good Spanish or lack of education.  Before coming to Honduras I knew no Spanish.  I took Latin in high school!  Now I take Spanish with my children in school, learn from our boys (ah, there is part of my problem), and make myself cards of things I need to learn.  Still, I make a mess of the language.  I have not had an instructor and know that would be time well spent.   That feeling that I can't learn Spanish leads me to share something that brings me shame and embarrasment, and I no longer want this to be.  I have never been to college.  When it was the college time of my life, my life was a wreck.  Circumstances in my family were messy and emotionally I was not even capable of believing I could go to school.  I in no way want to infer that others stopped me from school or did not care and support me.  Simply put, a rough patch all around.   Now that I have my own four children, education is a priority.  I want my children to love to learn and to never stop learning.  I want them to study in college those things that God has placed in their hearts.  I want this for our Honduran boys.  When Hannah was a baby, Mark and I believe that God called us to homeschool our children.  I began researching education, homeschooling, methods, learning styles, requirements, learning disabilities, and began asking God what was important for the education of "our" children.  I never stopped to consider my inadaquacies.  I believed God had called me so I never looked back at my lack of education or ability.   Oh, how I wish that confidence had never faded!  Now thoughts of educational or intelligence shortcomings surface and call into question what I am called to do.  How can you homeschool, you have never been to college?  How can you learn Spanish, you are slow and undisciplined?  How on earth can you school the Honduran boys, you have no university degree?  Sometimes I hear I have nothing to offer, no specialized skills, nothing a 3rd world country needs.  Even as I work at the computer I seem to hit wrong keys that scream out, "You don't know what you are doing!"   Isn't our enemy crafty?  There is nothing that will cause me to ignore, shy away from, laugh at, or even disobey the calling of God as much as considering and dwelling on my inadaquacies.  Did you read all of the "me" in those sick thoughts above?  If the deciever can get me caught up in "me", he doesn't have to worry, I am no threat to darkness.   So now you know one of my big hangups.  I hope to see this overcome by not taking in the lies of the enemy and by remembering my identity is in Christ.   Assuredly, God will probably not call on me to develop a cure for some tropical infectious disease, or to write a computer program that merges nanotechnology, biotechnology, and genetic engineering.    But I do believe that whatever He asks me to do, He will prepare me for it.  He will give the wisdom.   And who knows, I may yet be sitting next to one of my four children or even one of our Honduran boys in college!  I honestly don't know what I would  think I would know if I went to college, but I certainly wouldn't be afraid to ask a question!   Blessings, Paula p.s. This journal is not an arguement against college!  
Replies to this message
re: A bit personal  by Matt Zell on Monday April 21, 2008
     re: A bit personal  by Paula on Monday April 21, 2008
re: A bit personal  by Barbc on Saturday April 05, 2008

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